Humorous Wedding Readings

Humorous Wedding Readings

By B. Murray. Mar 25, 2012

Humorous wedding readings can help lighten the mood of your ceremony. They are great at preventing your ceremony from becoming too serious and stuffy!

Humorous Wedding Readings

From Harry Met Sally:

I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out.

I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.

I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts.

I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes.

And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve.

I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

 

"I Like You" by Sandol Stoddard Warburg

I like you and I know why

I like you because you are a good person to like

I like you because when I tell you something special, you know it's special

And you remember it a long, long time

You say, Remember when you told me something special

And both of us remember

When I think something is important you think it's important too

We have good ideas

When I say something funny, you laugh

I think I'm funny and you think I'm funny too

Hah-hah!

I like you because you know where I'm ticklish

And you don't tickle me there except just a little tiny bit sometimes

But if you do, then I know where to tickle you too

You know how to be silly - that's why I like you

If I am getting ready to pop a paper bag,

then you are getting ready to jump

HOORAY

I like you because when I am feeling sad

You don't always cheer me up right away

Sometimes it is better to be sad

You can't stand the others being so googly and gaggly every single minute

You want to think about things

It takes time

I like you because if I am mad at you

Then you are mad at me too

It's awful when the other person isn't

They are so nice and oooh you could just about punch them on the nose

I can't remember when I didn't like you

It must have been lonesome then

Even if it was the 999th of July

Even if it was August

Even if it was way down at the bottom of November

I would go on choosing you

And you would go on choosing me

Over and over again

And that's how it would happen every time

 

"He Never Leaves The Seat Up" by Pam Ayres

He never leaves the seat up

Or wet towels upon the floor

The toothpaste has the lid on

And he always shuts the door!

She's very clean and tidy

Though she may sometimes delude

Leave your things out at your peril

In a second they'll have moved!

He's a very active person

As are all his next of kin

Where as she likes lazy days

He'll still drag her to the gym!

He romances her and dines her

Home cooked dinners and the like

He even knows her favourite food

And spoils her day and night!

She's thoughtful when he looks at her

A smile upon his face

Will he look that good in 50 years

When his dentures aren't in place?!

He says he loves her figure

And her mental prowess too

But when gravity takes her over

Will she charm with her IQ?

She says she loves his kindness

And his patience is a must

And of course she thinks he's handsome

Which in her eyes is a plus!

They're both not wholly perfect

But who are we to judge

He can be pig headed

Where as she won't even budge!

All that said and done

They love the time they spent together

And I hope as I'm sure you do

That this fine day will last forever.

He'll be more than just her husband

He'll also be her friend

And she'll be more than just his wife

She'll be his soul mate till the end.

 

"I'll Be There For You" by Louise Cuddon

I'll be there my darling, through thick and through thin

When your mind's in a mess and your head's in a spin

When your plane's been delayed, and you've missed the last train.

When life is just threatening to drive you insane

When your thrilling whodunit has lost its last page

When somebody tells you, you're looking your age

When your coffee's too cool, and your wine is too warm

When the forecast said "Fine", but you're out in a storm

When your quick break hotel, turns into a slum

And your holiday photos show only your thumb

When you park for five minutes in a resident's bay

And return to discover you've been towed away

When the jeans that you bought in hope or in haste

Just stick on your hips and don't reach round your waist

When the food you most like brings you out in red rashes

When as soon as you boot up the bloody thing crashes

So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear...

When you break a rule, when you act the fool

When you've got the flu, when you're in a stew

When you're last in the queue, don't feel blue 'cause

I'm telling you, I'll be there.

 

"I Wanna Be Yours" by John Cooper-Clarke

I wanna be your vacuum cleaner

breathing in your dust

I wanna be your Ford Cortina

I will never rust

If you like your coffee hot

let me be your coffee pot

You call the shots

I wanna be yours

I wanna be your raincoat

for those frequent rainy days

I wanna be your dreamboat

when you want to sail away

Let me be your teddy bear

take me with you anywhere

I don't care

I wanna be yours

I wanna be your electric meter

I will not run out

I wanna be the electric heater

you'll get cold without

I wanna be your setting lotion

hold your hair in deep devotion

Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean

that's how deep is my devotion.

 

I Wanna Grow Old With You by Adam Sandler

I wanna make you smile,

Whenever you're sad.

Carry you around when your arthritis is bad.

All I wanna do,

Is grow old with you.

I'll get you medicine,

When your tummy aches.

Build you a fire if the furnace breaks.

Oh it could be so nice,

Growin' old with you.

I'll miss you, kiss you,

Give you my coat when you are cold.

Need you, feed you.

Even let you hold the remote control.

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink.

Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.

Oh I could be the man,

Who grows old with you.

I wanna grow old with you.

 

These are some great one liners to lighten the mood and to involve more of your audience (and they are a lot funnier than the long ones above):

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Anonymous

 

The woman cries before the wedding and the man after.

Polish Proverb

 

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henry Youngman

 

One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they are valued.

Benjamin Franklin