Humorous Wedding Readings
Humorous wedding readings can help lighten the mood of your ceremony. They are great at preventing your ceremony from becoming too serious and stuffy!
Humorous Wedding Readings
From Harry Met Sally:
I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out.
I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.
I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts.
I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes.
And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve.
I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
"I Like You" by Sandol Stoddard Warburg
I like you and I know why
I like you because you are a good person to like
I like you because when I tell you something special, you know it's special
And you remember it a long, long time
You say, Remember when you told me something special
And both of us remember
When I think something is important you think it's important too
We have good ideas
When I say something funny, you laugh
I think I'm funny and you think I'm funny too
I like you because you know where I'm ticklish
And you don't tickle me there except just a little tiny bit sometimes
But if you do, then I know where to tickle you too
You know how to be silly - that's why I like you
If I am getting ready to pop a paper bag,
then you are getting ready to jump
I like you because when I am feeling sad
You don't always cheer me up right away
Sometimes it is better to be sad
You can't stand the others being so googly and gaggly every single minute
You want to think about things
It takes time
I like you because if I am mad at you
Then you are mad at me too
It's awful when the other person isn't
They are so nice and oooh you could just about punch them on the nose
I can't remember when I didn't like you
It must have been lonesome then
Even if it was the 999th of July
Even if it was August
Even if it was way down at the bottom of November
I would go on choosing you
And you would go on choosing me
Over and over again
And that's how it would happen every time
"He Never Leaves The Seat Up" by Pam Ayres
He never leaves the seat up
Or wet towels upon the floor
The toothpaste has the lid on
And he always shuts the door!
She's very clean and tidy
Though she may sometimes delude
Leave your things out at your peril
In a second they'll have moved!
He's a very active person
As are all his next of kin
Where as she likes lazy days
He'll still drag her to the gym!
He romances her and dines her
Home cooked dinners and the like
He even knows her favourite food
And spoils her day and night!
She's thoughtful when he looks at her
A smile upon his face
Will he look that good in 50 years
When his dentures aren't in place?!
He says he loves her figure
And her mental prowess too
But when gravity takes her over
Will she charm with her IQ?
She says she loves his kindness
And his patience is a must
And of course she thinks he's handsome
Which in her eyes is a plus!
They're both not wholly perfect
But who are we to judge
He can be pig headed
Where as she won't even budge!
All that said and done
They love the time they spent together
And I hope as I'm sure you do
That this fine day will last forever.
He'll be more than just her husband
He'll also be her friend
And she'll be more than just his wife
She'll be his soul mate till the end.
"I'll Be There For You" by Louise Cuddon
I'll be there my darling, through thick and through thin
When your mind's in a mess and your head's in a spin
When your plane's been delayed, and you've missed the last train.
When life is just threatening to drive you insane
When your thrilling whodunit has lost its last page
When somebody tells you, you're looking your age
When your coffee's too cool, and your wine is too warm
When the forecast said "Fine", but you're out in a storm
When your quick break hotel, turns into a slum
And your holiday photos show only your thumb
When you park for five minutes in a resident's bay
And return to discover you've been towed away
When the jeans that you bought in hope or in haste
Just stick on your hips and don't reach round your waist
When the food you most like brings you out in red rashes
When as soon as you boot up the bloody thing crashes
So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear...
When you break a rule, when you act the fool
When you've got the flu, when you're in a stew
When you're last in the queue, don't feel blue 'cause
I'm telling you, I'll be there.
"I Wanna Be Yours" by John Cooper-Clarke
I wanna be your vacuum cleaner
breathing in your dust
I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I will never rust
If you like your coffee hot
let me be your coffee pot
You call the shots
I wanna be yours
I wanna be your raincoat
for those frequent rainy days
I wanna be your dreamboat
when you want to sail away
Let me be your teddy bear
take me with you anywhere
I don't care
I wanna be yours
I wanna be your electric meter
I will not run out
I wanna be the electric heater
you'll get cold without
I wanna be your setting lotion
hold your hair in deep devotion
Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean
that's how deep is my devotion.
I Wanna Grow Old With You by Adam Sandler
I wanna make you smile,
Whenever you're sad.
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad.
All I wanna do,
Is grow old with you.
I'll get you medicine,
When your tummy aches.
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks.
Oh it could be so nice,
Growin' old with you.
I'll miss you, kiss you,
Give you my coat when you are cold.
Need you, feed you.
Even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink.
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the man,
Who grows old with you.
I wanna grow old with you.
These are some great one liners to lighten the mood and to involve more of your audience (and they are a lot funnier than the long ones above):
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The woman cries before the wedding and the man after.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they are valued.